When your house becomes a sauna in the humid summer, you can always count on over-air conditioned malls to cool you down. And with all those paychecks rolling in from your seasonal lifeguarding gig, who wouldn’t spend some of that hard-earned cash on food court milkshakes?
But before you flock to the nearest shopping center, there’s a number of characters you need to watch out for. No matter where you shop, rest assured that these hooligans are lurking somewhere, just waiting to bother you.
Keep an eye out for these individuals to ensure a peaceful shopping trip.
1. The Food-Court Creeper
Image courtesy of Reddit, Jarrous12123
He’s that chatty guy who seems to spend every day posted by Sbarro, eating a questionable amount of the free chicken samples from Big Easy Cajun. Who is he? Why is he dressed that way? Does he secretly live at the mall? No one knows.
2. The Photo-Ready Family
Image courtesy of Imgur, adamup1994
You’ll spot them in matching outfits, looking frazzled as they rush to make their noon appointment at the Picture People. Stay out of the way, or you’re likely to get trampled.
3. The Amateur Yogis
Image courtesy of Reddit, cameltow
For these exercise buffs, practicing sun salutations next to a food court with 100 other people is the definition of relaxation. You’ll have to carefully weave between them if you ever want to make it to Macy’s.
4. The Hot Topic Preteens
Image courtesy of Flickr, MarkScottAustinTX
When it’s too hot to loiter around 7-Eleven, middle-school goths descend upon the mall — particularly when there’s a Hot Topic — in full force. Because where else can suburban teens listen to pop punk while shopping for fingerless lace gloves? Beware; their angst is contagious.
5. The Jerk Parker
Image courtesy of Reddit, pastafariantimatter
He can’t bear the thought of anyone parking too close to his convertible, so he takes up two spots just to be safe. Unsurprisingly, he’s probably the same guy who cut you in line at Taco Bell.
6. Less-Than-Thrilled Grandma
Image courtesy of Reddit, Svendovian
She didn’t drive Tommy and all of his little punk friends to the mall just to babysit his skateboard outside of a PacSun. You should probably clear the area before he returns, because it’s not going to be pretty when she let’s him have it.
7. The Sad Pet Shop Puppy
Image courtesy of Imgur, Shimshimshaboo
This little guy will bum you out all summer long with his angelic face and his tiny pet-shop cage.
8. The Rebellious Teenagers
Image courtesy of Imgur, BenderTheCat
These clowns are convinced they’re the funniest thing since Jackass premiered on MTV2. Every other mall shopper visibly disagrees. At least one of them will have broken a bone before they make it to the bottom of the escalator.
9. The Bored Younger Brother
Image courtesy of Imgur, eligabay
While you try on fancy department store clothing, they entertain themselves in any way they can — usually much to your embarrassment.
10. The Mall Cops
Image courtesy of Flickr, The-Nancy-Minor-Team
Perched high on their Segways, these heroes are working hard to keep the peace in your crowded shopping center. But don’t get in their way, because they will plow over you in pursuit of shoplifters and rowdy teens.
Image courtesy of Flickr, daryl_mitchell